My Father’s Consent and a Dead Man’s Blessing

Writing about dead people again.

My Father’s Consent and a Dead Man’s Blessing is was what I was going to call the book I was supposedly writing while engaged to John Higgins.  My father was still alive then, and I obtained his consent with no trouble.  Dead Man’s Blessing referred to Larry, who said during his last illness that despite his jealousy of John, he was glad I had him “so you won’t be all alone when I’m gone.”  I will never forget those words, never forget the expression on his face, the tone of his voice.

I dreamed recently that John himself died and I learned about it months later and couldn’t believe nobody told me.

Now I am batting around the phrase:  Dead Man’s Rosary.  The rosary in question is hanging on my monitor.  It’s blessed.  I was going to give it to Safety Bob, but I never saw him again after getting it.  Now the innapropriate relationship I had with Bob is another situation in which I wonder if I will ever be forgiven.  All I did was love him when I had no right to.  I didn’t cheat on Dan.  But what if I didn’t do anything to banish my thoughts and feelings?  I cheated in my heart.  It’s true I begged God to deliver me from it, I begged God help me love Bob as God wanted and expected me to.  But I always took it back.  And I have nothing of his to hold except a rosary he never held.

I had the crazy idea of asking Stephen Colbert to get rid of it!  Funny, self-indulgent home movies.  Poor Stephen. 

Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 10:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Last Cheater’s Waltz

Ooh, don’t they play lonely/ Ohh, don’t they play sad/ And ooh, three-quarter only/ See how he holds her as the band plays the Last Cheater’s Waltz.

Sometimes when this song comes up I get up and waltz all alone; it’s bittersweet.  And I miss Dan and think on my sins and wonder if I will ever be truly shrieved.  I want to believe that the way I”ve lived since Larry’s death justifies me.  I am wearing his ring again, but only because it’s a pretty ring and I was tired of wearing an engagement ring that stands out by the fact that it’s alone.  As strange as it may seem, I am right now also wearing Larry’s reading glasses.  (Because I’ve lost mine.)  But look what I have on my desktop.  What if I am cheating on Dan in my heart?

 

Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm  Leave a Comment  

Feeling Foolish

Envy.  Envy and speaking up before getting my thoughts together.  Posting first, thinking last.

I need a gratitude list.  Okay.  Harley.  Dan. This apartment.  My AC, and the fact that it hasn’t been cut pff.  Plenty of food, even if not the kind I would have chosen.  SNAP.  Girls who take me as I am.  AA.  Phone numbers, even when I don’t use them.  The Konvisers, even when I’m mad at them.  Music.  Family.  Computer.  Cats.  My PORCH!  Oxygen tanks.  Cute radiators.  A car that runs.  Rye bread.

How were my eyes so blinded?

Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 8:50 pm  Leave a Comment