My Father’s Consent and a Dead Man’s Blessing

Writing about dead people again.

My Father’s Consent and a Dead Man’s Blessing is was what I was going to call the book I was supposedly writing while engaged to John Higgins.  My father was still alive then, and I obtained his consent with no trouble.  Dead Man’s Blessing referred to Larry, who said during his last illness that despite his jealousy of John, he was glad I had him “so you won’t be all alone when I’m gone.”  I will never forget those words, never forget the expression on his face, the tone of his voice.

I dreamed recently that John himself died and I learned about it months later and couldn’t believe nobody told me.

Now I am batting around the phrase:  Dead Man’s Rosary.  The rosary in question is hanging on my monitor.  It’s blessed.  I was going to give it to Safety Bob, but I never saw him again after getting it.  Now the innapropriate relationship I had with Bob is another situation in which I wonder if I will ever be forgiven.  All I did was love him when I had no right to.  I didn’t cheat on Dan.  But what if I didn’t do anything to banish my thoughts and feelings?  I cheated in my heart.  It’s true I begged God to deliver me from it, I begged God help me love Bob as God wanted and expected me to.  But I always took it back.  And I have nothing of his to hold except a rosary he never held.

I had the crazy idea of asking Stephen Colbert to get rid of it!  Funny, self-indulgent home movies.  Poor Stephen. 

Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 10:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

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