Writing about dead people again.
My Father’s Consent and a Dead Man’s Blessing is was what I was going to call the book I was supposedly writing while engaged to John Higgins. My father was still alive then, and I obtained his consent with no trouble. Dead Man’s Blessing referred to Larry, who said during his last illness that despite his jealousy of John, he was glad I had him “so you won’t be all alone when I’m gone.” I will never forget those words, never forget the expression on his face, the tone of his voice.
I dreamed recently that John himself died and I learned about it months later and couldn’t believe nobody told me.
Now I am batting around the phrase: Dead Man’s Rosary. The rosary in question is hanging on my monitor. It’s blessed. I was going to give it to Safety Bob, but I never saw him again after getting it. Now the innapropriate relationship I had with Bob is another situation in which I wonder if I will ever be forgiven. All I did was love him when I had no right to. I didn’t cheat on Dan. But what if I didn’t do anything to banish my thoughts and feelings? I cheated in my heart. It’s true I begged God to deliver me from it, I begged God help me love Bob as God wanted and expected me to. But I always took it back. And I have nothing of his to hold except a rosary he never held.
I had the crazy idea of asking Stephen Colbert to get rid of it! Funny, self-indulgent home movies. Poor Stephen.