The Last Cheater’s Waltz

Ooh, don’t they play lonely/ Ohh, don’t they play sad/ And ooh, three-quarter only/ See how he holds her as the band plays the Last Cheater’s Waltz.

Sometimes when this song comes up I get up and waltz all alone; it’s bittersweet.  And I miss Dan and think on my sins and wonder if I will ever be truly shrieved.  I want to believe that the way I”ve lived since Larry’s death justifies me.  I am wearing his ring again, but only because it’s a pretty ring and I was tired of wearing an engagement ring that stands out by the fact that it’s alone.  As strange as it may seem, I am right now also wearing Larry’s reading glasses.  (Because I’ve lost mine.)  But look what I have on my desktop.  What if I am cheating on Dan in my heart?


Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm  Leave a Comment  

Feeling Foolish

Envy.  Envy and speaking up before getting my thoughts together.  Posting first, thinking last.

I need a gratitude list.  Okay.  Harley.  Dan. This apartment.  My AC, and the fact that it hasn’t been cut pff.  Plenty of food, even if not the kind I would have chosen.  SNAP.  Girls who take me as I am.  AA.  Phone numbers, even when I don’t use them.  The Konvisers, even when I’m mad at them.  Music.  Family.  Computer.  Cats.  My PORCH!  Oxygen tanks.  Cute radiators.  A car that runs.  Rye bread.

How were my eyes so blinded?

Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 8:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Atonement Soundtrack

I am listening to a playlist called Colt, which is the name of a character in a story I’m working on.  It started as Fan Fic and I fell in love with the characters I invented and decided to change the “real” guy because I want to actually include this in a collection.  No, I do not think Stephen Colbert would recognize Ivan Colt as bearing any resemblance to himself, except of course C-o-l, which is a tribute, all right?

I wrote about this story under a title like “The problem with Fan Fiction.”  It’s in Facebook too. 

Nearly all my fiction is acted out in my head, and I’ve said so many times, it’s a shame authors don’t get to cast the movie versions of their work.  The Atonement of Ivan Colt is no exception.  Unless it makes it into the apocrypha of the Literary legend I leave behind (good alliteration), no one will know how many times I’ve seen a Robson Green lookalike beat a Stephen Colbert lookalike because he is enraged at a trashy little ho’s adoration.  Sometimes the Robson Green character is played by Willem Dafoe and the Stephen Colbert one by Johnny Depp.

Anyway, to get to the point:  I make music mixes to listen to while I work.  The songs all reperesent something from the story — characters, relationships, actions, even themes.  The “soundtrack” for Walking Among the Dead has about fifty songs on it.  But the one for The Atonement of Ivan Colt is this:

Like most others, this has some incongruous juxtapositions.  There are also a few little specifics, like Snow Patrol’s Run which in my mind always runs with the closing credits!  I’m loving this mix.  I’ve heard it about six times today.  Problem is, it made me get the story back out when the one I am currently working on is the one with the alcoholic woman trying to get to North Carolina but having blackouts in which she appears to be having an ongoing affair with a Texas-born college professor who was recently struck by lightening.  (I think he’s having a mid-life crisis.  In my mental movie, he is played by Tommy Lee Jones and the female character is either Cathy Bates or Nicole Kidman.)  I need to come up with a country soundtrack, but I only know a few country songs.

Okay, it’s almost 10 pm and I have work to do.

Published in: on June 8, 2011 at 10:53 pm  Leave a Comment  

Name Meanings, or, Nobody Who Reads it Has to Understand Any of This

Principle characters in Of Wings and Sapwood all have names that mean something about God.  Let me see if I can get that stuff here.

 Dan Michael: God is my judge + Who is as God?

Samuel Bron: Because I asked God for him + Sorrow

Yonatan Ruel Malachi: God has given + Friend of God+ Messenger of  God

Rue Malachi:  regret + Messenger of God

 Jane = God is gracious

I especially love Samuel’s name, because I asked God for him.  The first visual in the story is Sam standing on the deck with his coffee, looking out toward the horizon and the imminent rise of the sun; later on the reader learns that he has just uttered a prayer and become aware of Jane’s presence.  The nature of that prayer is never revealed, but most likely he was asking God to give him back Rue, and he asked for an angel.  His prayer was granted; God made him the angel, Jane’s angel.  And while I’m talking about Samuel, remember he was wearing an unbuttoned, untucked white Oxford with taild flapping like a flag.  What color flag?  And what does it mean?  Sam has just surrendered.  But you don’t have to draw that into the conscious mind to know it.

Daniel is God is my judge, indicating that “only God can judge me.”  He cares nothing about the censure of the world.  As for his last name:  he represents Michael the Archangel, who cast Lucifer out with a sword.  I asked Dan Konviser if he was curious about that sword– did he think it was symbolic, or that Dan had found a Medievel Weaponry Store in Duck?   His reply was that he had wondered about that.  I said that no explanation would be given; the reader can believe either thing.

Rue:  to repent, to bitterly regret.  He has never stopped regretting the day he let Samuel go.  Bron: Gaelic for sorrow.  Sorrow and regret.  Malachi:  messenger of God.  He tells Jane what it is God wants her to know, and this time she hears it, and starts “shaking apart.”

Later we learn that she lives between cottages called Lo Tide and Watts Inn a Name.  Come on now.  Would I put that stuff in there for nothing?

Published in: on June 5, 2011 at 10:11 pm  Leave a Comment