Among the things I can never have again after the surgery (not to mention for two weks before) are sugar and seltzer. My two favorite things.
Seriously? Everything I post online is visible to at least somebody, and that’s always in the back of my mind. I used to keep journals in actual bound books, books I intended to have destroyed after my death. First, of course, they were to be the basis of some best-selling books, like The Letters of Bentley J. (That file is still active, and contains a lot of other prose as well.) But their real purpose was to be a place where I could write things out. I got so very, very much self-understanding through journaling, and I used to go back and reread certain parts for inspiration. I also used to laugh at how I wrote some of the same things year after year — “harmonize my environment”, and “Letting the house go to hell is how I sabotage my own goals” and “If I’m not true to myself, I can’t be real with (Current Man’s Name), because he is loving somebody I am not” and “May I do God’s will always.” Over and over and over, but never ad nauseum. More like, I affirm this.
I was so sad when My Mother’s Room went away. That was where i posted the kind of things I used to journal about. But even so, there’s a huge difference between writing for my eyes only and writing for the eyes of a small, select group of people with similar values and spiritual ideals. Even among my close friends are people who will patronize and correct me, possibly from wanting the best for me and possibly because they’re the same kind of know-it-all I am and I’m giving them a good place to trumpet it. (“Laugh, Good People.”) There are also those who will comfort me and justify what i know in my heart to be bad behavior; I know when they do this, and I do not judge them but myself for putting it up there to be justified.
I think i still let other people and their opinions come between me and God. Not that I care what anybody thinks about my relationship with God, but that when I take this “proven tool for self understanding” and add or subtract bits that make me seem less a sinner and more a saint, then I am doing it for them, not for me.