The day all the children died.

I’ve been up less than two hours, and the sun is setting.  When I woke at 10 am, I decided to lay back down for an hour or so, which turned out to be five and a half hours more of sleep, from which I was awakened by a call from Harley telling me in words that tumbled out like candy from a bag what he’d been doing since last night and ending with the promise that he’d be home shortly but not for a long stay.  During the stay we had a better talk than we would have if I hadn’t in the interim learned about The Awful Tragedy in Connecticut.  I was in the mood to cherish him even more than I had been for the last several days of being together for errands and chores.  My tall strong handsome boy who is now a man.

What part do I have in mending the world?  Is the answer what I thought so many years ago and didn’t do — be a better Baha’i?

This isn’t going to happen today, December 14, 2012, especially not now, after sunset.  I feel like I’ve been a good person today, and I have firm plans about the immediate future.  I’m going to eat some macaroni and cheese, wash the dishes, light the menorah, and pray (as I always do) thanking God for what is before me:  my home, heat, food to eat, cats, a porch, Harley, Dan, the fact that I wasn’t awakened by gunfire but rather heard of it secondhand from a comfortable seat in front of a computer.  Then I’m going to go around the apartment and gather a load of towels.  (How can two people who own twenty towels and a washer and dryer right there manage to run out?)  I’m going to call a friend to arrange a ride to a Christmas party I’ve been invited to tomorrow.

What right do I have to feel despair?  Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it — it’s not about rights or logic or perspective or even gratitude necessarily.  It comes and goes.  Today it’s gone.  I thank God for that.

Here’s a nice prayer Margaret gave me:

Dear Lord,
I may not see the sun and moon lose their light.
I may not witness rivers turn red, or stars fall from the sky.
Yet there are times when my world becomes unhinged
and the foundations of what I believe crack and dissolve.
Give me the grace to believe that Your power is at work
in the turmoil of my life.
Lead me to remember that Your power is greater than all evil,
and though the world may rock and sometimes break,
it will in time be transformed by Your Love.

author unknown
And I pray that I never forget that on days like today I have myself had a limb ripped off my body, whether I feel it or not.
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Published in: on December 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm  Leave a Comment  

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